This is not My Name

Posted on Sat Feb 29th, 2020 @ 12:55am by Lieutenant Commander Meslina Amakawa & Fleet Captain Torilla Yamaguchi

Mission: Mission 32: Tales of Tarod
Location: Various Locations - USS Roanoke
Timeline: 1900Hrs - April 17th, 2391

Torilla Yamaguchi looked exhausted and she was tired. Jake was taking the infants off of her hands for some time in the holodeck which left his wife to get a little rest.

Torilla Yamaguchi was dozing lightly on the sofa when there was a knock at the door, her eyes shot open as she turned her eyes to the door. "Its Open... " she growled. "Come in!"

Meslina waited a few minutes before coming in since she could tell that Torilla was not happy about being disturbed, then again Meslina also doubted that Torilla knew who was coming to see her now. Entering Meslina could tell that Torilla was just waking up from a much needed nap on the couch, "sorry to disturb you when you are tired but Rachael had kind of 'pushed' me into coming here to talk to you."

Torilla slowly blinked her eyes. "Yes, she mentioned you had something to had on your mind but she wouldn't tell me what it was about... saying it wasn't her place.."

Meslina sighed as she walked into the room some more, "I don't know how to say this without upsetting you so I'm just going to say it and get it over with." Taking a breath she continues, "well to be honest the reason why I've been avoiding you and everyone else of late is because you are all so close and I don't feel like a part of the family."

Yamaguchi regarded the other woman. "Meslina.. " she paused. "Just because we're close doesn't mean we don't disagree or argue." she commented. "Jake is taking the twins on a trip to the holodeck... frankly, he needs it... so do they..."

Meslina was surprised that Jake had taken the twins since he had just got here and was more than likely tired too, "I see I didn't know where he was. At least he is with them and they should have a good time, though I've only meet him the one time he seemed like a good guy and is good with the children as well. Also yes I understand that you don't always get along but at least you are all able to work things out in the end and still be together as a family without feeling left out of anything that might arise."

"Is it because of the number of us?" she inquired. "While yes, I have my entire family all together again, under one roof so to speak and I'm overjoyed about it."

Meslina shook her head a little, "no it's not because of the number that you have in your family as large as it is, you still have a semblance of order, which is slightly surprising by the way." Meslina said with a slight shake of her hand.

"It's just that, I don't know, guess it's just that with me I've never been really close to my own parents and or family since they were gone a lot of the time for their work and when I did see them we got along but it still didn't feel like we were super close. And when they died with the bandit incident I've been alone for a long time, so long I guess that I don't know what it really feels like to have someone as a family or any thing else for that matter. Hell I've not even had a serious relationship in a long time too, and I feel that is my fault because I don't know how to get close to someone, when I do I start to get scared and push them away, I guess I'm doing that here too, huh?" Meslina just rambled on as fast as she could without really stopping to take a breath, by the time she was finished speaking she was kind of panting.

Yamaguchi listened in silence as she regarded the smaller woman who was about the size and mass of a teenager. "You must find your own path through life Meslina, wherever it may lead you..." she then slowly smiled. "Neither myself or anyone else can choose it for you."

Silversides hopped up onto the sofa where Meslina was sitting, the large Russian Blue came over to the smaller woman as she blinked her large eyes. "Meow." she commented loudly.

Meslina just petted the cat softly as she just thought about what to say next, after a few more minutes she looked back to Torilla and let out a long breath that she hadn't realized that she had been holding. "I know that really all it comes down to is I don't really understand anything any more nor do I understand my own feelings. I am happy that you have all treated me with the upmost respect and loving care, but I'm also mad at myself mostly, for not being able to really do anything other than get in people's way. The Captain has been kind to me as well but what have I done to really help with this ship, what have I done for you and your family? Nothing!" She screamed, she was on the verge of tears but she wouldn't let them fall simply because she didn't feel like crying in front of Torilla even knowing that the woman wouldn't say anything but comfort her, which at this time she didn't want comfort she wanted answers but she wasn't sure what answers she was looking for.

"I think what it really all boils down to is this, I don't know how to get a long with others, and I don't think I ever had wanted to. I'm afraid that if I do get close to someone, anyone, I'll just end up hurting them or myself. Ever since my parents died I've been alone and I think that is how I conditioned myself to be, is alone and when I was greeted with open arms on this ship and by you and your family I got scared and ended up pushing myself to thinking that I shouldn't be here. What should I do? That is the main question that's been eating at me but I don't know the answer or rather I do know that answer I'm just too afraid of it." Meslina final said what was really eating at her soul, but she didn't like what she was feeling.

Yamaguchi regarded the smaller woman. "Meslina... Its a trust issue... a faith issue.... do you have faith in yourself... do you trust yourself?"