Jackass and Asshat

Posted on Thu Feb 27th, 2020 @ 5:24pm by Commander John 'Nuke Em' Sheridan & Commander Sokanon It'kla & Fleet Captain Torilla Yamaguchi

Mission: Mission 23: Foundations of Stone
Location: Various Locations - USS Roanoke
Timeline: 1200Hrs - January 24th, 2391

Munphuck was sitting in her bed, after having pigged out on a dozen doughnuts in one sitting was now bored, wondering what to do next. Out of no where Jack Lashmore's voice came over the comm," hey babe, what you up to."

"I'm bored," she whined, "And I wanna make that asshole Duval pay for what he did."

"Well, If you come to my quarters, I think we can have a little fun with that."

Munpuck got a smile on her face, "Ooh, I got an Idea."

She then went over to the replicator and began to modify the device, trying to turn it into a transporter. After about 30 minutes of clumsily fiddling with the replicator, she decided that it was ready.

She tried inputting the coordinates, but then realized that they where wrong. Failing to properly remove the last set of coordinates, she put in another set of coordinates, and activated the replicator.

With a self satisfied smirk, the replicator came to life, it then sputtered and sparked, and the transporter beam only managed to beam away both of her hands. She looked in horror at the bleeding stumps that where once her hands, letting out a loud scream, and feinting from shock.

Meanwhile Jack Lashmore was getting impatient, tapping this foot repeatedly on the ground.

'Will you cut that out," Drake Lashmore complained.

"She is late." Jack said impatiently.

"Well you where the one to hook up with a fat tub of lard for a girlfriend, you fuckstick."

Jack, infuriated, picked up a shoe and threw it at Drake, hitting him in the back of the head.

"You asshole," Drake roared as he lept to his feet, charged jack down, and began to punch his brother. Jack threw several punches back, but after Drake gave Jack a bloody nose, he heard the sound of a transporter, and a hand materialized in Jacks skull, fused with his forehead. Almost immediately, Jack collapsed, shaking uncontrollably, and Drake screamed like a girl.

After about a minute, Jack's body ceased moving, and Drake, not sure what to do, He dragged his brothers body over to the replicator, and shoved his brother's feet into the replicator, hitting recycle. He only succeeded at getting as far as jacks knees before the replicator spat sparks and started smoking.

Meanwhile, in the officer's lounge, Zara was in the process of eating lunch, when Munphucks other hand materialized in her plate without her noticing. Torilla and Teval where eating lunch with her.

"Sounds like we should be fully staffed within a few weeks," Zara told rotational XOs as she blindly stabbed as her steak.

Torilla blinked. "Zara. You don't wanna eat that hun..." she commented as she reached out with her hand. the plate came across to her. "Not this.... this isn't a steak.."

Teval was trying to eat his food, but all he could really do was kinda poke it with his fork. He then noticed the hand, and instantly detecting it as real, he completely lost any little appetite he had. He had to hold back from puking.

When Zara looked down to protest, her skin paled and she doubled over beside of her chair and blew chucks.

Torilla winced. "Easy Zara.... its someone's hand.." she paused. "How the fuck did that get here?"

Zara sighed and tried to calm, but kept her head between her knees as she declared, "I resign! I can't take this fucking pranks against me anymore."

Teval said quietly, "What the fuck, this is ridiculous."

"Who would..." she paused. "Siaxx.... that little Bolian asshat!" as Torilla sighed. "Lets go."

"Yeah," Zara agreed, took a long sip of water, and wiped her mouth before she stood up and tossed her napkin down. "I'll put that Bolian's ass on waste extraction for the rest of her time in the fleet."

"Computer. LOcate Siax Dvald?"

"Lt Commander Dvald is in her quarters."

Torilla raised an eyebrow. "is she alone?"

"Negative. Colonel Phoenix is with her."

Torilla looked at Zara. "I'll let you handle this one... I dealt with her the last time.."

Teval looked for a tricorder so he could figure out who the hand belonged to.

Torilla nodded. "I can't go... I'm in enough shit, thanks to junior dragging this case out..... I'll strangle her... I can't go. I am sorry."

"Don't worry then. I'll kick her a few times for the both of us," Zara promised grimly.

"I'll leave it up to you." Yamaguchi responded. "I want to finish my meal."

Several minutes later, Zara had barged in Siaxx's quarters and stormed into the bedroom in a fury. Two naked women were passed out in bed but Tane did not care.

"Get up, Siaxx." It was spoke very angrily and brokered no room for arguing.

Siaxx blinked. "Whats going on?" she muttered

"You know what you did," Zara spoke darkly.

Phoenix, who groggily came to, looked over to Siaxx and smiled widely. "No, I don' think that she does."

Siaxx's eyes snapped open as she groaned. "Well... let me get dressed."

"What did she do?" Phoenix prodded her nemesis.

Zara flashed the severed hand. "She took it off a body and transported it to my dinner plate."

"Why didn' ya let me on on that prank?" Phoenix asked Siaxx with true hurt and glee. "I'd of gladly helped ya annoy the bitch."

"I'm still standing here," Zara glared back to Phoenix.

"True. But you're in my home. So I don' give a damn 'bout you," Phoenix corrected, then looked to Siaxx for further elaboration.

Siaxx protested. "We've spent the last few hours in here, having fun and then sleeping.." she paused. "the idea of that prank honestly never came to me..." as she gave Zara an evil grin. "Beware... Halloween and your birthday." as she quickly dressed. "So... the best cell in the brig for me then?" the Bolian inquired.

"Innocent until proven guilty," Zara sighed irritably. "But we are going down to the morgue together. And if we find a corpse with a missing hand, you'll get Phoenix's cell."

"But that's mine," Phoenix protested.

"Yeah. An' you clearly had no part in this prank, so you get to have the quarters for yourself a few days."

"You really need ta tell me how you did it. More so ta get that bitch riled up," Phoenix snickered.

"Still here," Zara reminded with a dry sigh. "Get your shit and come on, Siaxx."

Meanwhile, back in the officers lounge, Teval figured out whom the hand belonged to. Looking at Torilla, he said," The heand belonged to a Crewman Kosfitch munphuck."

Torilla raised an eyebrow as she muttered softly "Kosfitch munphuck." she paused. "Who gives their child a name like that?" she inquired. "is it Greek or something...no wait... its one of those silly eastern superstitious names.." she paused. "So... if her hand is here... where's the rest of her?"

Teval then asked the computer," Computer, locate crewman munphuck's lifesigns."

"Crewman munphuck is not on the ship."

Teval sighed," Computer, Locate Crewman Munphucks combadge."

"Crewman munphuck is in her quarters."

Teval looked at Torilla, "Wanna check this out"

"Sure." Yamaguchi smiled. "Shall we?" and with that, she gently picked him up in her arms and out the door she went. "This will be educational, if nothing else."

Teval let out a small purr of surprise as he didn't quite expect Torilla to pick him up and carry him, but he decided not to protest on the matter. Shortly after when they got to Munphuck's quarters, he got out of Torilla's arms, and opened up the door. The sight was not quite what he expected. Blood was everywhere, and Munphuck was lying on the ground, both hands missing, and a smoking, sparking replicator was nearby. Teval couldn't quite tell if munphuck was dead or not, but as he approached, he couldn't hear her breathing, and when he got close enough, he couldn't hear a heartbeat either.

"My goodness.." Yamaguchi's voice echoed around the room. "The man who did this was a true incompetent idiot.." she shook her head. "Oh deare deare me..." she sighed.

Teval tapped his combadge," Teval to sickbay, I need a medic in Crewman munphuck's quarters."

"I'm on my way.... puurrr..." as a distinctly Caitian voice answered.

After getting the acknowledgement, Teval hit his badge again," Teval to John Sheridan, need you in Crewman Munphucks quarters."

Teval then called engineering, asking for an engineer to come as well.

After getting that Acknowledgement, Teval looked at Torilla, saying," I wonder where the other hand went."

Yamaguchi gave Teval a look, her eyes sparkled with mischief. "Indeed... I wonder..." before she let out a sigh. "Of course.... it means we're evidence in this little Greek tragedy."

Just then the door beeped, Torilla smiled. "The occupant is dead but the door is open and I'm cooking dinner..." The taller woman called out. "Today its Cadaver souffle with a side of Cheese sauce."

Sokanon mewled as her whiskers twitched. "There is a Fel stench on the air.."

Sheridan who was also just arriving. "Now now Sokanon... this isn't the peaks of Caradhras." he commented.

"True... its better then the alternative. Orodruin."

Sheridan sighed. "I think you need a vacation..."

"No... just a night with my boyfriend." Sokanon mewled happily. "Instead I'm here processing..." she quickly examined the site. "Commander.. what happened?"

"I have no idea." Yamaguchi explained. "process this...please..." she paused. "I need a drink."

Sheridan sighed. "Don't touch her..." he opened his tricorder. "Lets see..."

Chief Petty officer Kashi Ge'tar was the last to arrive, asking," Whats going on."

Teval pointed at the replicator, "can you check that."

Kashi went to the replicator and scanned it, and after about a minute, said," Someone tried to turn this replicator into a transporter. Only that this is the sloppiest, most fucked up amatuer job I have ever seen."

"Who," Teval asked.

"As far as I can tell, Her, or at least her codes were used." Kashi pointed at the dead Munphuck.

Teval jumped slightly as he heard a loud thump, and suddenly, the lights stared flickering and then died. As the emergency lighting came on, Kashi asked, "what the hell."

Sheridan meanwhile was processing the scene. "There is only one owner of all the blood here... looks like the cause of death was blood loss due to having both hands removed at the same time..." he commented. "the replicator was the cause."

Meanwhile Teval left the room to go look for the source of the noise, which was the next quarters over. Finding that the door was open, the first thing that he saw caused him to shout," What The Fuck!"

Torilla turned as she charged towards where Teval was located. "Oh.... my... fucking... GOd!" she growled. "What... the Fuck! is wrong... with the people on this ship."

Sokanon came over as her large eyes blinked before she muttered something. "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum ishi krimpatul." she muttered

Sheridan raised an eyebrow as he processed what the Caitian said. "Sokanon, you've spent WAY too much time on the holodeck with Gandalf the White."

Teval was just staring at Drake Lashmore, whom had his brother by the legs, or what was left of them. Both of jacks legs from the knees down was missing, and Teval had no clue how it got there, but there was a hand fused with Jacks forehead. At this point, all he could do was turn around and walk away, saying," That's it, I'm done."

He then went to Kashi saying," So munphuck was pretty much the one that managed to transport her own hands away."

Kashi nodded," Yep, thats what it look likes."

Teval then nodded, saying, "Alright I'll go rescue Siaxx, she didn't do this one for once."

Torilla blinked her eyes. "Wow.... how does this compute?"

Sokanon stepped forward as she began processing the scene. "Oh dear god.."

Teval simply left the scene and went looking for Zara. It didnt take him too long, as she and Siaxx were on their way to the brig. Teval then said to Zara, "Hey, you don't need to brig Siaxx, she didn't do it."

"So who did?" Zara spoke with much annoyance.

Teval sighed, still having a hard time believing it himself," Yeah, Crewman Munphuck was responsible. I think she was trying to convert a replicator into a transporter. She succeed, but only in beaming her own hands off. One ended up in your dinner plate, the other in jack lashmore's skull. You would have to see this one for yourself, I'm still having a hard time believing it."

"Wait..." Siaxx waved her hands as if to try and process the information that Teval was saying. "Let me get this right.... someone was insane enough to try and turn a replicator into a transporter and.... they beamed both hands away.." she paused. "This does not compute.. A problem has been detected and Siaxx has been shut down to prevent damage. if you have seen this before, simply reboot Siaxx... if not then ask Phoenix for assistance." she muttered as she shook her head. "Umm... What the fuck do I say to that?"

"Yeah... I could believe Siaxx pranked me. This level of truth, I don't even think JAG would see as fact," Zara noted with true bafflement.

"As pranks go..." Siaxx commented. "I could dream up something like beaming body parts around but... the rest.. no that's a little out of my league... and its not my style in any event." as she made a mental note regarding Zara's birthday.

Teval knew Zara would have a hard time believing this one, "Well, I don't really know how to persuade you otherwise, considering how deadset on Siaxx you are, but I can show you the scene if you are willing."

"Just let Saint look at this," Zara sighed. "If anyone can make this ludacris shit work with JAG, he can."

Teval Shook his head, "No I highly doubt that one, as far as JAG is concerned, Jacen is also a screwup whom has been corrupted by the Roanoke, about the only one they would believe is someone whom was not from the ship."

"That Lieutenant.... Benice Gyce?" Zara looked to Teval and Siaxx. "That Bajoran chick is SFCIS. That should be outsiderish enough for brass, yes?"

Siaxx blinked. "Starfleet Criminal Investigations..." she narrowed her eyes. "I wonder if she's being sent here as a headhunter....In the other case" there was something in her tone. "or maybe I'm just being paranoid.."

"She informed me she was here, during our quarantine," Zara informed. "Via a subspace message. Her findings are not yet finished, so far as I know. But I hope she's not a headhunter."

Teval looked straight at Zara, "So are you at least willing to let Siaxx go until we determined what actually happened."

"Sure," Zara agreed reluctantly. "She's free to go, for now."

Siaxx had a dubious look. "Right... I'm going back to bed.." as the smaller Bolian shrugged. "I'm not like going to leave the country...." and with that the smaller Bolian turned and departed as Commander Yamaguchi returned.

"I truly don't like that woman," Zara spoke out of earshot of Siaxx. "Demented little thing. Mean too."

Yamaguchi regarded Zara. "Could anyone say the same thing about you?" she inquired. "you two need to spend some time alone together... no distractions and no... you won't need to mate with her.... just talk to her."

"Fuck no," Zara refused vehemently. "She threatened to rape and kill me and she meant it. I don't want to be anywhere alone with that bitch, thank you."

Teval took a minute to register what Zara said. I hit him like a ton of bricks," Wait, what?"

Yamaguchi nodded her head. "Yep... that actually did happen." she explained. "You two need to sort this shit out... once and for all.." she paused. "you are still command of this ship.... do you care about the people on this ship.... something with Siaxx isn't right... and its everything thats happened over the last while, its pissing her off." she looked at Teval. "Zara, tell him exactly what happened.."

"Her girlfriend ruined my fighter with dog and cat shit," Zara spoke very angrily. "And I had Phoenix arrested for it. Next thing I know, the bitch kidnapped me from my quarters and threatened me for it. She tried to get me to take my clothes off to fuck me. And I refused, and pushed her after she threatened to kill me if I picked on the other bitch. So yeah... they attack in pairs."

Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow. "Well... there isn't a lot I can really say on the matter,... but you and her need to sort this out..."

"I'm not going near her, alone." Zara turned to leave, and then pointed a finger at Torilla as if she thought of something, "Don't do anything stupid either."

"Moi.... would I do anything without first consulting you?" Torilla's innocent look was pure and total rubbish as everyone involved knew she was serious. "I'll be there with you.. to separate you two.."

"She rapes me? I swear I'll repay the favor," Zara spoke angrily.

Torilla grinned as she looked at Zara. "Mmm... I'm going to take you up on that... tonight..." as she almost purred.

"Can't... I gotta patch things up with Jacen," Zara spoke with a frown.

Torilla raised an eyebrow as she looked down at Zara. "Make sure you use lube this time... but seriously... if you break into my quarters and try getting it on with me while I sleep... it'll be fun."

Zara wanted to make a joke on the subject, she she could not. Siaxx had, in some ways, broken her. "I'll go now. See you guys later."

Torilla regarded Zara. "Zara. Come here..." and with that Torilla gently gathered the smaller woman in her arms. "Stop running from it. Go and deal with her.... you're the skipper of this ship.... we follow where you lead.. She's supposed to be your Chief medical officer... so you and her need to go and deal with this.... you outrank her and you CAN deal with her for good..." she paused. "Do you want me to be there as well?"

"I don't want to go," Zara spoke with watery eyes. "I hate her... I was her greatest ally, and she did that... I won't go. You can't make me."

"You think you're alone.... but you won't be," Yamaguchi commented. "Hell... Phoenix is having her own share of issues with Siaxx too.." the taller woman sounded like she was sharing a small secret. "Siaxx has become what she's most hated.... I can almost feel the war presently raging inside of her..."

"I don't care," Zara spoke as she pulled away from Torilla. "You told me she was your problem. So you keep it that way."

Zara turned to leave the room after that.

Yamaguchi sighed softly. "Then transfer her... I can sort her out but this issue isn't between me and her.. its between you and her." she quickly put two and two together. "Zara. Stop running from the issue and go deal with her already. You're in command of this fucking ship... start acting like it!" Yamaguchi was now starting to sound angry. "Even Elizabeth didn't vex you so."

"I'm gone," Zara said and left in a very fast walk and flying bird. Angry as ever.

Torilla knew she had the other woman on the ropes as she chased after her, now well and truly enraged. "Get back here!" she snarled. "You want to run away... you fucking coward!"

"I am," Zara admitted as she turned around and took one of her boots off. Then chucked it. Not at Torilla, but threw it enough to drop in front of her. "You don't know what I'm going through... Leave me alone, Commander."

Yamaguchi stood there as she regarded Tane. "Stop running away from your issue with her.... Its nice that you passed it off to me.. but I'm not in command... I can't do what needs to be done.... You didn't want to wait until we have the evidence in hand before you stripped her of her license, post and rank.... why do you think she came apart on you.. You might hate her but you keep fucking up with her.... do you even care about the people under your command.."

"You know I do," Zara snapped back. "You argued with me then, to let you handle the situation. And I let you. Now you don't want to handle her because I don't want to be near her? Well I'm tired of trying to fix shit with her. She doesn't care about me, why should I care about her?"

"You misunderstand me." Yamaguchi responded. "I dealt with her already... then this incident happened... and you dragged her out of bed and accused her of defiling a corpse without proof." the taller woman sighed. "Thats why I waited until I had proof before I yelled at her.."

"DO you honestly think I was being stupid? That what happened would never be her wheelhouse of demented things to do to her enemies - Which I am."

"Computer. Locate Siaxx Dvald?"

The computers response was quick. "Siaxx Dvald is on Holodeck Two"

Torilla looked at Zara. "You need to go see the beast.... in her native habitat. I went through this when Elizabeth was assaulted... You need to tell her to her face..."

"Fuck no," Zara refused. "I'm not going. You can't make me."

Yamaguchi slowly grinned. "Zara.... Things are impossible... until they are done." with that she then reached across as she yanked Zara to her, then she tossed the smaller woman up on her shoulders. "Relax.." and with that the larger woman slipped out the door, taking care not to harm Zara on the way out.